God being Man

Q: How do we know that God is a man?
A: Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

What Men Hear When Women Speak

What a woman says: "This place is a mess. C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears: "blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now!"

Comparing Guys and Gals at the ATM

Instructions for the Guys:

1. Pull up to ATM.
2. Insert Card.
3. Enter PIN.
4. Take cash, card and receipt.
5. Drive away.

Instructions for the Gals:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer.
3. Shut off engine.
4. Put keys in purse.
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine.
6. Hunt for card in purse.
7. Insert card.
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN.
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "CANCEL."
12. Re-enter correct PIN.
13. Check balance.
14. Look for envelope.
15. Look in purse for pen.
16. Make out deposit slip.
17. Endorse checks.
18. Make deposit.
19. Study instructions.
20. Make cash withdrawal.
21. Get in car.
22. Check makeup.
23. Look for keys.
24. Start car.
25. Check makeup.
26. Start pulling away.
27. Stop.
28. Back up to machine.
29. Get out of car.
30. Take card and receipt.
31. Get back in car.
32. Put card in wallet.
33. Put receipt in checkbook.
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook.
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook.
36. Check makeup.
37. Put car in reverse.
38. Put car in drive.
39. Drive away from machine.
40. Drive 3 miles.
41. Release parking brake.