The Rules ... by Men

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret, girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

What Men Say & What They Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Really means... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means... ."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake?"
"That's women's work." Really means....  "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....   "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means...   "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

Chauvinist Pigs...Bulb?

Q:  How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. Let the bitch do it by herself. Or None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.