Moose Hunting

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!"

Perfect Day

HER PERFECT DAY:

• 8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
• 9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
• 9:30 - Light breakfast
• 11:00 - Sunbathe
• 12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
• 1:45 - Shopping
• 2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
• 3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
• 7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
• 10:00 - Make love
• 11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

• 10:00 - Wake up
• 10:02 - SEX
• 10:10 - Big Breakfast
• 11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
• 2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
• 3:15 - SEX
• 3:25 - Play sports with the guys
• 4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
• 6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
• 6:40 - SEX
• 6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
• 8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Schiffer
• 11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
• 11:10 - Sleep
• 2:30 - Fart

The Miracle Show

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program. The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed. Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me. "So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch. The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"