The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.  The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, it was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, that I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, a sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, and he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz, either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, as each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, when down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, he looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, the old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, but his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, the next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, and six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, and a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, so I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, with one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.I
n time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

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Murphys Law on Love and Sex

1. "Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
2. "I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
3. "I'm not really married."
4. "It's only a cold sore."
5. "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
6. "Size isn't important."
7. "This won't hurt, I promise."
8. "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
9. "We'll always be together."
10. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
11. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
12. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
13. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
14. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
15. All the good ones are taken.
16. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
17. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
18. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
19. Do it only with the best.
20. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
21. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
22. Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
23. If it seems too good to be true,it probably is.
24. If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
25. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law).
26. If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.
27. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
28. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
29. It is always the wrong time of month.
30. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
31. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
32. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
33. Love comes in spurts.
34. Love is a hole in the heart.
35. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
36. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
39. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
40. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
41. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
42. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
43. Never say no.
44. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
45. Nice guys finish last.
46. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
47. No sex with anyone in the same office.
48. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
49. Nothing improves with age.
50. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
51. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
52. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
53. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
54. Sex has no calories.
55. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
56. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
57. Sex is hereditary.
58. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
59. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
60. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
61. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
62. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
63. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
64. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
65. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
66. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
67. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
68. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
69. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
70. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
71. The younger the better.
72. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
73. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
74. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
75. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
76. Virginity can be cured.
77. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
78. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
79. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
80. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
81. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.
82. and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!