Marriage Quotes

• My other wife is beautiful.
• My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
• My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
• My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
• My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
• My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
• Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
• No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
• Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin!
• I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Wedding Definitions

• Bachelor: ?

1. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
2. A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
3. A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction.
4. A man who never makes the same mistake once.
5. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
6. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
7. A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce..
8. The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

• Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
• Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
• Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.
• Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife where by they agree to let her have her own way.
• Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
• Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.
• Gentleman:

1. A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
2. A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

• Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.
• Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
• Husband:

1. A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
2. A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
3. A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him.
4. A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss.
5. A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.

• Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.
• Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
• Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.
• Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.
• Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
• Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
• Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
• Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
• Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
• Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.
• Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
• Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
• Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.
• Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.
• Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.
• Wife:

1. A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
2. The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

• Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.
• Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.

The Golden Urinal

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. "No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!" She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?" To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence,  I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"