Crushing a Man's Ego

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

The guide to women

A man's guide to what a woman is really saying:

• I just need some space. - Without you in it.
• Do I look fat in this dress? - We haven't had a fight in a while.
• No, pizza's fine. - You cheap slob
• I just don't want a boyfriend right now. - I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
• I don't know, what do you want to do? - I can't believe you have nothing planned.
• Come here! - My puppy does this too.
• I like you but... - I don't like you.
• You never listen. - You never listen.
• I'll be ready in a minute. - I'm ready but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
• Oh, no, I'll pay for it myself. - I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
• Oh, yes!!! Right there!!! - Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
• I'm going out with the girls. - We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

She's Had the Best

When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.