Bad Thoughts

A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home. Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was wrong. The wife told him, "Remember when we first got married and I told you that I couldn't stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really hated him at the time." "Yeah, I remember those trying times." replied the attorney. "I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him, remember?" "Yes, I do." "But you kept telling me to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would get up to thirty years for such a crime." "That was a long time ago though. Why are you so sad now?" "Because...I could have been a free woman by now!"

I Said...I Really Mean

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

• We need = I want
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
• I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
• Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
• Yes = No
• No = No
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
• I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
• All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?" 

• The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Everything = PMS again.
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain.
• I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH: 

• "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
• "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
• "I'm tired" = I'm tired
• "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
• "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
• "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person.
• "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Woman Visits the Therapist

A lady visits her therapist. "I think my husband is a son of a bitch." The therapist asks why she thinks that. She replies, "Well, he kisses me." The therapist kisses her and says, "I kissed you, and I'm not a son of a bitch." She replies, "Yes, but he feels me up." The therapist proceeds to feel her up. He returns to his seat and says, "I felt you up, and I'm not a son of a bitch." The lady replies, "But he -- you know -- has sex with me." So the therapist goes over and has sex with her. After they're finished, the therapist says, "See, I just had sex with you, and I'm not a son of a bitch." The lady says, "Yes, but my husband has AIDS." The therapist says, "SON OF A BITCH."