Gates of Heaven

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is ...?" they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl. "Oh yes," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...the golden key." "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl. "Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married." "Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key." "Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl. "Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime." "Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...my room key."

Nuns Confess at Pearly Gates

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'' St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.'' St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, ''Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?'' The nun is a little reluctant but replies ''Well once I fondled and stroked one.'' St. Peter says ''OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.'' All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says ''Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!" ''The nun replies, ''If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

Everything in Texas

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates. "Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings. "We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch," said Tex. St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc. "We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags." Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous. "We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."