Answering Machine - Satanic Hotline

Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over. 

Satan and a Lawyer

Q: What do you call Satan and a lawyer?
A: Twins!

Sections of Hell

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to personally escort the man around so he can choose the section of hell he would like to be in. The first section has everybody being burned constantly and getting a glass of water every 7 hours. The second section has everybody working hard and getting a glass of water every three hours. The last section has everybody kneedeep in crap. "Well, this doesn't look too bad -- and it beats being burned or working. I'll take the crap."
"Okay," says the devil. "Everybody back on their heads."