God & The Two Gifts

When God created the earth, then Adam and Eve, he found he had two baubles left over.  He came to Adam and Eve and said, "I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up."  Adam got very excited, "Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I'm out in the fields, I can just go right there."  So Eve smiled and said, "Okay, it sounds like he really wants that."  As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiosity, "What was the other gift?".  "Oh,"  God said, looking at Eve with a smile, "Multiple orgasms!".

The Potent Barrel

An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away. A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. "Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby." The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies."

Biblical Bumper Stickers

• Adam: "You are what you eat." Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
• Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."
• Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
• Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."
• Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
• Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
• Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."
• At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
• At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"