Two Preventable Deaths

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

Definition of Innocence

Q: What's the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

Praying for a Bicycle

When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.
Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.