The Virgin of Ten Marriages

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?!" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

• "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative.  He kept telling me how great it was going to be.  
• Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
• Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
• Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
• Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
• Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
• Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
• Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
• Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

I Think I'll Try a Nicer Approach

|Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.  His wife heard him at the door and quickly went to it. She opened the door and let Harry in.  This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.  Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"  At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

Shoplifting

An old lady was arrested for shoplifting carrots. At her court hearing the judge looked at her and said, "I'm going to sentence you to one day for every carrot you stole to teach you a lesson. You stole four carrots so that's four days jail time for you."
Before he could swing his gavel down the old lady's husband raises his hand and says "Your honor, can I make a statement on behalf of my wife before you pass sentencing?"
The judge says "Yes, make it quick I have other cases to try today." The husband looks at his wife, then the judge and says "She also stole a can of peas."