Husband's Midlife Crisis

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:

• If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him.
• If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.
• If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.
• If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.

If Men Ruled The World

• Hallmark would make "Sorry I don't remember your name" cards.
• If your girlfriend really needs to talk to you during the game, she'll appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
• A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would complete a break up.
• Birth control would come in ale or lager.
• Instead of an engagement ring, you could surprise your fiance with a giant "You're #1!" foam hand.
• Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.

Hard Times

A married couple are having hard financial times so they decide that their only option is for the wife to become a prostitute. She’s not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you have a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s been standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “$100”
He says, “All I have is $30”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to her husband and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, was the reply.
She runs back and tells the guy for $30 he gets a hand job. He agrees, so she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE member...
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to her husband, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”