Storm Damage

So last Saturday I'm at home watching TV when my phone rings. " Hello, who's this?" I answer. "Hi it's Margery, I'm your brother's next door neighbor. He's on vacation and asked me to keep an eye on his house and gave me your number as an emergency contact.  We've just had a terrible rain storm here and a large tree just fell on his roof.  It looks pretty bad and rain water is pouring into his house."
See my brother lives in New Jersey but was vacationing in Europe. So I said, "Well, I live 3 hours away but his daughter has a key and lives nearby. I'll call her and get her over there."
But here's the thing, his daughter works for a 1-900 phone sex company and I didn't have her mobile number so I had to call her at work!
So when I finally get her on the phone she says, "Hello big boy, what can I do for you tonight?" "Sorry Lucy, I'm definitely not looking for any phone sex, it's your uncle Lee. I've got some bad news, a tree fell on your dad's house and the rain is pouring in."
"Oh my god!' She said, "That's terrible, I'll drive over when my shift is finished."
I was relieved to have fixed the problem but I hadn't seen Lucy in a while so I asked her how she had been, that was a huge mistake! I forgot how much Lucy could talk, she talked non stop for two whole hours!
The next day I got an email alert from my cell phone company about that said I spent $95 with a 1-900 service.
Well I was furious, so that night I called Lucy again and explained what had happened. "Oh Lee that's terrible, I'll talk to my boss and get that charge reversed for you."
"Thanks Lucy that's great," I replied.
But trying to be polite I stupidly asked her, "So how did it go at your dads? How bad was it?"
I know, I'm stupid! This time she talked for 3 whole hours. And the next day I got another email alert from the cell phone company.  This time the bill was for $142.50.
So the next day I called her up again and... Ah fuck it, my wife didn't believe me either.

Dear Diary

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husbands Diary:
A two-foot putt... who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

Never Going Back

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."