Tampons

Guy goes to the pharmacy at his wife's request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls. Staring at him in disbelief she asks, "What the HELL?! I asked for TAMPONS, not cotton balls!!" He says, "Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive?"

Why Women Are Better Than Bikes

1. Bicycles don't get pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you're going to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
20. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicycle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet it's mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helmet.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

Family Sex

TO MY DEAR WIFE, 
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean.
17 times it was too late.
49 times you were too tired.
20 times it was too hot.
15 times you pretended to be asleep.
22 times you had a headache.
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.
16 times you said you were too sore.
12 times it was the wrong time of the month.
19 times you had to get up early.
9 times you said weren't in the mood.
7 times you were sunburned.
6 times you were watching the late show.
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do.
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.
9 times you said your mother would hear us.
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just layed there.
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished.
and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat.
36 times you did not come home at all.
21 times you didn't cum.
33 times you came too soon.
19 times you went soft before you got in.
38 times you worked too late.
10 times you got cramps in your toes.
29 times you had to get up early to play golf.
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper.
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.
2 times you had a splinter in your finger.
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirtybook.
98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc.on TV.
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.