Selling The Wife

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened. "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort." "That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?" "Right!" said the drunk, still crying. "You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved her, right?" "Oh, No," said the drunk. "I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

Advantages of Older Women

1. An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?"
2. An older woman doesn't care what you think.
3. An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
4. An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.
5. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
6. Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
7. There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to an older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
8. Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
9. Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.
10. An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
11. Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
12. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
13. Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
14. Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
15. Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
16. An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
17. Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
18. An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
19. An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

A Woman's Schedule

A Woman's Schedule:
1. Get up.
2. Pee.
3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea.
4. Pee.
5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the middle.
6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there.
7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands.
8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee.
9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee.
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and pee.
11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but instead of giving him head, go and pee.