Pinnochio

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters!"
So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.
"Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need," was the carpenter's response.
A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again, "How are you getting on with the girls now?"
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinnochio!

Top 10 Things A Girl Won't Say

1) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
2) Shouldn't you be out drinking with your friends?
3) Great fart!! Rip another one!
4) Pet names are silly. I just call it my c*nt.
5) You should see the shit I just birthed.
6) I'd rather play GTA5 than go shopping.
7) Let's start subscribing to Hustler.
8) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?
9) I'll swallow it all. I love the taste of it!
10) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm buying.

200 MPH

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's gone in too far."