Rich Man's Unfortunate Daughter

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who said, "If you marry my daughter, I will give you my house and all of my money." Sure enough the guy says yes. The rich man then warned him that his daughter had been in a terrible car accident and was a little messed up, both physically and mentally. The guy figures she couldn't be that messed up and doesn't change his mind. So he married the girl -- who was that messed up -- and on the honeymoon, instead of having to look at her, he put a paper bag over her head when they were having sex. And the guy used the bag every time they had sex after that
One day, while the guy was doing some work around the house, he dropped his hammer and said, "Honey, can you get the hammer for me?" The wife shuffled around muttering, "Huh? Get the hammer, get the hammer, get the hammer," and finally picked it up. After she gave it back to him, he dropped the box of nails and asked, "Honey, can you get nails for me?" She went to fetch it, mumbling, "Huh? Get the nails, get the nails, get the nails." She hands him the nails and he goes back to work.
While the guy is hammering a nail, he accidentally struck his thumb and shouted, "Aww, fuck!" The wife says, "Huh? get the bag, get the bag, get the bag...."

Husband Prognosis

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her husband.
He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him -- her husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did.
When the wife came out, the husband asked her, "so what is the matter with me? Am I going to die?" And the wife said, "Yes, honey, I'm afraid you're going to die."

Thoughts From Women About Being a Woman

• The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ( Helen Hayes (at 73)
• I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.  (Janette Barber)
• Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin)
• A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. (Carrie Snow)
• Old age ain't no place for sissies. (Bette Davis)
• If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Catherine Aird)
• A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. (Rhonda Hansome)
• The phrase "working mother" is redundant. (Jane Sellman)
• Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)
• Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. (Caryn Leschen)
• Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"?  Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. (Jan King)
• I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)
• When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!* (Kathy Buckley)
• I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. (Dolly Parton)
• You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. (Erica Jong)
• If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. (Sue Grafton)
• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. (Laurie Kuslansky)
• I think - therefore I'm single. (Lizz Winstead)
• You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. (Geri Jewell)
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler)
• Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. (Maryon Pearson)
• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher)
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. (Gloria Steinem)
• I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. (Marie Corelli)
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? (Linda Ellerbee)
• Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. (Eleanor Roosevelt)