Neighbor Kids on Front Lawn

Q: How do you keep the neighborhood kids off your front lawn? 
A: You molest them!.

I'm The Boss

The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: " I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

New Baby

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.