A Folk Remedy

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement. "Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!" The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes. "Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know." Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said. The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans. "Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

A Farmer's Fiddle

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was. "How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?" "I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful." "I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle." "It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.
"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it.
"He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fucking fiddle."

The Geography of Men And Women

The Geography of a Woman;

• Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
• Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
• Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
• Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
• Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatroled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
• Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
• After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

• Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.