Beware of Spot

A man goes to pick up his date for the evening. She’s not ready, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of wind and needs to relieve some pressure . The family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let out a little fart and if anyone notices they’ll think the dog did it. He farts, and the mother yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The man thinks, “Great, they think the dog did it.” He releases another fart, and the mother again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally, the mother yells, “Dammit Spot, get down before that bastard craps on you.”

Rich Widow

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here." Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

Every Precaution

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla. "But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy,"  Priscilla responded. "He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."