Young Wife

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

K9 Passing

My girlfriend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.
She was furious, she said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Facts of Life

• Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes, there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
• There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
• Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
• Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)
• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
• Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
• Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
• A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
• A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
• The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.