Family Sex

TO MY DEAR WIFE, 
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean.
17 times it was too late.
49 times you were too tired.
20 times it was too hot.
15 times you pretended to be asleep.
22 times you had a headache.
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.
16 times you said you were too sore.
12 times it was the wrong time of the month.
19 times you had to get up early.
9 times you said weren't in the mood.
7 times you were sunburned.
6 times you were watching the late show.
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do.
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.
9 times you said your mother would hear us.
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just layed there.
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished.
and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat.
36 times you did not come home at all.
21 times you didn't cum.
33 times you came too soon.
19 times you went soft before you got in.
38 times you worked too late.
10 times you got cramps in your toes.
29 times you had to get up early to play golf.
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper.
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.
2 times you had a splinter in your finger.
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirtybook.
98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc.on TV.
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Bad Date Signs!

• Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.
• You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
• She has a thicker mustache than you.
• When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.
• You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
• Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
• You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
• At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
• She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
• You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
• At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
• She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan.
• She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her.
• She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you.
• She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.

Wise Men

Wise men never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise.