Large Vision

My girlfriend told me my penis was huge. I'd have appreciated the compliment if she hadn't been looking through a magnifying glass at the time.

Busted

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

Finnegin's Wife Stays Up

Finnegin says, "My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it."
"What on earth is she doin' at that time?" replied Keenan.
"Waitin' for me to come home!"