You Might Be a Redneck If... Always More

You might be a redneck if...

• Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
• There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
• You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
• The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
• You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
• You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
• Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
• The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business. 

Virginia Girl

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said "No Way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ." Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said, "I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond. You're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy." So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad said, "Where is your sister?" They replied "We were almost there Daddy, and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read - "Clarence 13'6" - so we turned around and got the hell out of there!"

Valentines, Redneck Style

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day
They git it at Wal-Mart It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor