You Might Be A Redneck If

The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut.

You Must Be A Redneck If

• You recycle your own toilet paper
• Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad
• You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.
• You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."
• Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."
• The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.
• Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.
• You hunt from your bedroom window.
• Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
• You refrigerate your food stamps.
• You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.
• You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.
• Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.
• You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.
• You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.
• You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.
• You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!
• The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D." and you respond "About whut?"
• You take a beer to a job interview.
• You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.
• When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.
• You go to Goodwill to meet women.
• You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

Southern Comments

Exclamations:

• "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
• "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

• "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
• "This'll jar your preserves."
• "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things & Compliments:

• "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
• "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
• "Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

• "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
• "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
• Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

• A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
• When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
• If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
• "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
• A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

• "She's uglier than homemade soap."
• "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
• "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
• "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
• "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
• Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."