Hillary and Clocks in Heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?'' St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.''

Whigs to Light a Lamp

Q: How many Whigs does it take to light an oil lamp?
A: One, and that person shall be President Andrew Jackson, hero of the Battle of New Orleans and Friend to the Common Man!

Go Brian Go

Q: How do you tell if an apology isn't sincere?
A: The words 'conflate' and 'misremember' are involved in the excuse.