Rodney Dangerfield Top One-Liners!

- A girl called me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over and nobody was home.
- During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
- I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
- I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
- Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide.

Filing Fine

Just been to the new taxidermist restaurant.
Stuffed now.

Marriage Quotes

• All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
• Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
• Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.
• It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.
• May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
• May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
• May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
• Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."
• The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
• There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia