Personal Improvement One-Liners

• People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
• People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
• People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.
• People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
• People will believe anything if you whisper it.
• People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer.
• People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
• Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.
• Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
• Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Looking Up

I finally got hired at the local adult store
First day on the job I got a raise!

A Cynics Guide to Life

• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
• I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
• Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
• Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
• If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
• If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
• When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
• Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group.
• Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
• Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
• When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or a swirly.
• This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
• It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
• Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
• This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
• Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.