Getting Old

You know you're not a kid anymore when...

• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You are proud of your lawn mower.
• Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
• You call Olan Mills before they call you.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• You make an appointment to see the dentist.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• Neighbors borrow your tools.
• People call at 9 pm and ask, "did i wake you?"
• You have dreams about prunes.
• You answer a question with "because i said so!"
• You send money to PBS.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You know what the word "equity" means.
• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."
• You go bowling without drinking.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

1970 vs. 2000

1970: Long Hair - 2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high. - 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg. - 2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool. - 2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot. - 2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Douglas Street bridge. - 2000: Dental bridge.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. - 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. - 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems. - 2000: Roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 2000: Popping joints.
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel. - 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Paar. - 2000: AARP.
1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine. - 2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1970: Killer weed. - 2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW. - 2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: The Grateful Dead. - 2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint. - 2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones. - 2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office. - 2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system! - 2000: Upgrade the system.
1970: Peace sign. - 2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. - 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid. - 2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver's test. - 2000: Passing the vision test.
1970: "Whatever" - 2000: "Depends"

New Girl

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl. He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night. The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."
The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."