Being Old and Bent

Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent?
Doctor: Yes there is - being young and broke.

Crow Vision

My mom has crows feet in the corner of her eyes.
They really don't suit her. I told her she was too old for a facial tattoo.

Getting Old

You know you're not a kid anymore when...

• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You are proud of your lawn mower.
• Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
• You call Olan Mills before they call you.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• You make an appointment to see the dentist.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• Neighbors borrow your tools.
• People call at 9 pm and ask, "did i wake you?"
• You have dreams about prunes.
• You answer a question with "because i said so!"
• You send money to PBS.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You know what the word "equity" means.
• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."
• You go bowling without drinking.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.