Crushed Nuts?

An older man hobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time walking, since he is hunched over. He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please." The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?" The old man says, "No, Arthritis!"

Smart House

Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and I are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* ...the light goes on and I go to the bathroom, then *poof* the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and the light goes on in the bathroom and then the light goes off?" Thelma replied, "Oh sweet Jesus! He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Columbia Gas

Two Columbia Gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood north of Boston. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter and pressure regulator. Finishing the check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two Columbia Gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"