Hospital Question

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old lady in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me shit.”

A Childs View of a Retirement

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy's reply went like this: We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fast food restaurants. As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they don't know who they are. My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house won't let them out.

Happy Monday

Q: What do you call a person who's happy on Monday?
A: Retired.