Sex Drive

97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent."
The doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens about how as the body ages, bodily functions slow down, and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.
Finally the doctor asks "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"
"Three times last night, and again this morning."

Face Lift

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," replies the clerk.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man decided why not and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

You Know You're Getting Older When

You Know You're Getting Older When...

• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
• Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
• A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
• You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
• After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
• Dialing long distance wears you out.
• You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
• You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
• You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.
• Your back goes out more often than you do.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
• The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.