You Know You're Middle Aged If...

• You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
• The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.
• You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
• You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
• You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
• You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
• Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
• You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.
• You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator music.
• As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
• You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”
• You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.
• Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
• The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
• You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
• You know what Earth Shoes are.
• You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.
• Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
• On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.

Memory Pills

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?

The Minister's Joke

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"