Biting Nails

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous." "My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit." "How?" "I hid his teeth."

King Henry VIII

Q: What would King Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now?
A: Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!

Green Grocers

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Phoenix reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the Green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."