A Senior Citizen

I am a senior citizen...

• I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
• I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
• I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
• I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
• I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
• I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
• I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
• I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
• I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
• I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
• I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
• I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
• I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
• I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
• I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
• I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
• I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
• I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
• I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
• I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
• I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
• I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
• I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

Wrinkle Removal

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger. On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn't recognize him at first. "Rob, is that really you?" said the friend. "You look years younger. I didn't know you had a dimple in your chin." "It's not a dimple, it's my belly button" said the old man and his friend laughed. "If you think that's funny, take a look at what I'm wearing for a tie!"

Yo Mama - Teeth

Yo mama is so old, her teeth are like stars: they come out at night.