Bring Your Spouse

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Things You'd Love to Say at Work Continued

Things You'd Love to Say At Work Continued.
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Business One-Liners

• The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
• The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
• The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.
• The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
• The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!
• The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
• The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.