Things You'd Love to Say at Work!

Things You’d Love to Say at Work!
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting!
4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!... Off my planet.
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12. Allow me to introduce my selves.
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
17. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder... My work here is done.
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employer's Lingo:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors."
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
 
Employee's Lingo:
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" I hope you don't ask me about all the 'McJobs' I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

Notification Regarding Language

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do realize, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren. Old Phrase - New Phrase

1. No fucking way - I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible.
2. You're fucking joking - Really
3. Tell someone who gives a fuck - Have you run that by..........
4. No cunt told me - I was not involved in that project
5. I don't have the fucking time - Perhaps I can work late
6. Who fucking cares? - Are you sure that is the problem?
7. Eat shit and die. - You don't say
8. Eat shit and die motherfucker. - You don't say, Sir
9. Kiss my ass - So you would like me to help you?
10. He's a fucking prick. - He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit - I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue - You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked - We are a little disorganized today
14. What sort of fucker are you? - You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head - Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker - You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you - I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks - We need to look into this some more
19. I ain't got no cunt - I am rather short of labor
20. Fuck off - I'll look into that and get back to you