Short Term Job

I had a job once, it lasted a month. I finally called the boss and said, "I can't come in for a few days." He said, "What's the matter, you sick?" I said, " No, I just have to wait until this thought of wanting to kill you goes away."

Fight Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance. 

Stressed Out, Try These!

If you're feeling a bit stressed, try these to deal with it...
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to school as if nothing is wrong. (NOTE: this also works well with the hubby who stayed at the pub too long.)
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once. (Always have a witness on hand, just in case you attempt the Guiness World Record)
Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Find out what a frog in a blender "really" looks like. (Hamster in the microwave works well too.)
Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg. ("Don't knock it until you try it!")
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Make up a language and ask people for directions. (Works great at 7-11's!)
Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper.
NOTES and DISCLAIMERS: If you are less than 18 years of age: always seek your parent's approval before attempting any of the above. (Exemption: If the hamster bites you again, nuke him till he glows!) If you are 18 years of age or older and even think about doing any of these: proceed to the nearest telephone book directory. Look up "clinical psychologist"... drive directly to the first one that accepts "walk-ins!"