Insult Collection

• Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.
• People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.
• Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
• We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
• When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
• The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.
• You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.
• All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
• I heard you have hair on your chest, and that`s not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin
• There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it. Sit down and give your mind a rest.

Handbook Advice

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

Notification Regarding Language

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do realize, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren. Old Phrase - New Phrase

1. No fucking way - I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible.
2. You're fucking joking - Really
3. Tell someone who gives a fuck - Have you run that by..........
4. No cunt told me - I was not involved in that project
5. I don't have the fucking time - Perhaps I can work late
6. Who fucking cares? - Are you sure that is the problem?
7. Eat shit and die. - You don't say
8. Eat shit and die motherfucker. - You don't say, Sir
9. Kiss my ass - So you would like me to help you?
10. He's a fucking prick. - He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit - I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue - You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked - We are a little disorganized today
14. What sort of fucker are you? - You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head - Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker - You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you - I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks - We need to look into this some more
19. I ain't got no cunt - I am rather short of labor
20. Fuck off - I'll look into that and get back to you