Jesus Gonna Get You

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried. "What's your name, birdie?" "Moses." "What dumbass named you Moses?" "The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."

Quarter Life Crisis

I'm 25 years old and going through what I like to call, "The Quarter Life Crisis." What is that you ask? Well, it's when you go to college for four years, get a job right away that you hate, work there for two years and then the economy takes a dump, you get laid off and find yourself reassessing your life, and therefore doing stand up. No spouse, no kids, no house, no worries.

Answering Machine - Burglar

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?