U.S. Congressman

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Catching the Shoplifter

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

Pack Your Bags, I Won the Lottery

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!!"  She says "Oh wonderful, should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"  He replies, "I don't care...Just get the heck out!!"