Penalty for Sex

"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex." 

Soldier Coffee

A little boy who was visiting his grandmother made her some coffee. When she went to take a sip she noticed a little toy soldier at the bottom of the cup. When she asked him about it, he told her "It's like the TV commercial grandma. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"

Learning to Cuss

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say ass' and I'll say hell.'" All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."