Bras

"Dad, can I ask you something? You see, I'm already fourteen and...I think it's time that I should have one."--teenager to father
"And what is this 'one' you're referring to?"--father
"Could you buy me a set of brassieres?"
"No! Absolutely not!"
"My nipples show through my shirt though, and I'm plenty old enough."
"I said no way."
"But all of my friends wear…"
"Timmy! How many times do I need to tell you that bras are for girls!?"

Steven Wright Jokes Continued

• Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
• I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
• Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.
• I like to leave messages before the beep.
• I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish freak out I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
• I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
• I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
• I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
• I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. 

Holy Spirit

There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church. The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said, "... But they'll steal my bike." The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside. The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it... "In the name of the Father, The Son... Amen" The priest said ,"What about the Holy Spirit?" The boy replied, "It's outside taking care of my bike!"