Babies At The Grocery

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line. The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this my mom just bought strained plums!" The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!" And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad? How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

Penalty for Sex

"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex." 

Soldier Coffee

A little boy who was visiting his grandmother made her some coffee. When she went to take a sip she noticed a little toy soldier at the bottom of the cup. When she asked him about it, he told her "It's like the TV commercial grandma. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"