Mommy's Little Helper

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.... "Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place." "But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

A Nine Year Old in Church With Her Mother

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

Let's Swear

Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"  As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!" The 4-year-old gives a fearful look. The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say, 'hell' and you say, 'ass'!" The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.
They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys!  What would you like for breakfast?"  The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head. "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"  He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.  Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"  The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!"