Itchy

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Quiet In Church

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"

Laws of Parenting

• A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
• A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
• A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
• A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• Celibacy is not hereditary.
• Familiarity breeds children.
• For adult education, nothing beats children.
• God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
• Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
• Having children will turn you into your parents.
• If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
• If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
• Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
• Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
• It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
• It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - (actually from Erma Bombeck)
• One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
• Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
• The best thing to spend on your children is time.
• The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
• There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
• You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.