Laws of Parenting

• A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
• A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
• A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
• A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• Celibacy is not hereditary.
• Familiarity breeds children.
• For adult education, nothing beats children.
• God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
• Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
• Having children will turn you into your parents.
• If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
• If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
• Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
• Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
• It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
• It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - (actually from Erma Bombeck)
• One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
• Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
• The best thing to spend on your children is time.
• The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
• There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
• You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.

I Didn't Even Know!

Three drunks were sitting at a bar. The first one said, "I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes."  He paused, "I didn't even know she smoked!"
The second drunk said, "I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!" 
The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak.."I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!"  He paused, "I didn't even know she had a penis!!!"

A Wish for Christmas

It is around Christmas time and Santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup. He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down, a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on Santa's lap. Santa says to the little boy, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas". "I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y," touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy responds, "Nope." So Santa again says, "Then I bet you want a bike, B-I-K-E," as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little boy again said, "Nope." Well Santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy, "I bet you want a fire engine, F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E," once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. Where to the little responds, "Nope." Well at this time Santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little boy, "Then what the fuck do you want for Christmas?" The little boy then looked at Santa and said, "I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y, and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any because I can smell it on your finger!"