Chores

My daughter was whining about her chores. She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment. I said, "No, just do the floor."

Drinking Brothers

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey." The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness." Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p-p-p-pints of G-G-G-Guiness please." While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname." Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me Donkey."

Beaver's Tongue

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, "Whats that?" She says, "Well, it's a beaver, Johnny."
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, "Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."