Fathers Then & Now

Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

• In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.  Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
• In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.Today, it's the size of his minivan.
• In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.  Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
• In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
• In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
• In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.  Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
• In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.  Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
• In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
• In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."  Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
• In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.  Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
• In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.  Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
• In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
• In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.  Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
• In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.  Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
• In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."  Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
• In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.  Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
• In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.  Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
• In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.  Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
• In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.  Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
• In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.  Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
• In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.  Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
• In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.  In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.  Some things never change!

Moms' ABCs

A - ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.
K - KISS: Mom's medicine.
L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.
M - MAYBE: No.
N - NAIL POLISH: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
S - SPOILED: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".
U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
X - XOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.
Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed and kids still refuse to eat it.

Three-Legged Dog

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."